“Lingering…”


This is NOT a fun way to linger

This is NOT a fun way to "linger", but unfortunately, it's very similar to the way my body looks these days.

In a way, we can say that “we’re all dying,” and “we’re all lingering.”

The word “lingering” intrigues me.  In our case, it means that we’re hanging on to dear life for all we have.  That’s our medical version of lingering…we are just hanging on in hopes for . . . . and then there’s a huge gap there…’cause I don’t know what we think is going to happen…

I think we’d get up off our boney butts (if we could) and take some kind of action.

The difficulty in lingering is that it’s a time in our lives when we aren’t going forward or backward.

We are sitting still in the midst of a human sunami.  It reminds me a little of times that I have spent visitng people in nursing homes.  Those elders in our communities and yes – members of our families – are just lingering. 

Usually lingering does not involve much other than laying down on a bed or sitting in a chair.  I call it “warehousing.”  Our bodies, spirits, interests, personalitiies, beliefs, expressions…the very essence of who we are is just sitting there in limbo waiting.  Waiting for what – we don’t know.  If we knew the future, I doubt there would be many people lingering. 

Through my lifetime I have rarely lingered or just “hung out.”  I am used to working and doing things every waking minute.  This lingering thing is not interesting or restful for me at all.  As I feel my body shutting down, I literally can feel the “force” of life moving away.  On one hand it really irritates me, but on the other hand, I think that perhaps this is a lesson in my life that I’m learning and that there is a higher purpose to it than I realize. 

Maybe I should have taken more time out through my lifetime to simply linger in a field of flowers.  Maybe I should do that now.  Now that the federal government has agreed with my doctors that I have a “chronic” problem or have what is considered an incurable disease and shouldn’t be working, it is time to find that field of flowers to linger within for a bit?! 

All of these feelings are completely duplicated in my husband, Richard.  Having the same poisoning has given us many of the same symptoms.  Uranium and tungsten poisoning is basically a heavy metal that lingers in our bodies (jeez, there’s that word “linger” again!).

In our case, these particular heaviest of heavy metals cannot be chelated or removed from our systems, so they continue lingering.  As time moves on, the heavy poisons move through the cells of our bodies, eat out the bottom of one cell, grab on to another, linger for awhile there doing their damage, and repeats the cycle over and over and over again until our organs just wear the heck out. 

Then the lingering is over. 

There is no dignity in this kind of dying process, believe me.  We try with difficulty to keep our sense of humor…

I have moments of hysterical laughter…for instance, the other night on late night night programming there was a stupid ad for weight loss pills at the mere cost of $19.95 per bottle “guaranteed to make you thinner!”

* * * * *

I can produce our own ad…”just add a little sprinkle of this heavy metal poison on one meal a day for a month and we guarantee you  will lose 60% of your body weight…only $8.95 a bottle…but wait…act fast, we’ll double your order if you call us in the next 15 minutes! . . . just think…two bottles for the price of one!  This is an offer you simply can’t refuse . . .

Meantime, we’re lingering.  Jeez, I gotta get a hobby!

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